Email

By Chris O’Toole

Did you not get what you wanted for Christmas or Hanukah? Perhaps the economy didn’t allow for it. Or perhaps… you were savagely manhandled like I was. The beatings and the abuse nearly killed me!

Hello, reader. My name is Larry the iPhone and I am the gift that you didn’t get. The Smiths saw me when they were visiting family and decided I would be the perfect gift for their young boy. It seemed like a simple process. Put the package on a plane and let the people do the rest. Let me take you through my itinerary for December 24th. (You thought your job was rough).

6:00 A.M.: Who wouldn’t love to wake up to their face being dropped on the concrete? Well, I wouldn’t. But some oaf wearing thick gloves couldn’t hold on and so now I am in need of facial reconstruction. A nice crack right across my nose.

7:30 A.M.: Good morning, this is your captain speaking. Looks like we are going to lovely Italy today! 77 and sunny. (That’s funny because I thought the bold print on my box said “SHIP TO ATLANTA, GA”). I hope this flight serves meals.

1:00 P.M.: So, I arrive in Italy and I wait there until the packaging company realizes someone loading the plane made a costly blunder. Oh by the way, I saw that, Postal Worker #4542B. That diamond necklace looks stunning on you, but not nearly as stunning as the cheap replica you put back in the box.

December 28th, 6:14 A.M.: Well, the packaging company hit some bad weather coming over the east coast and so my arrival was delayed a few days. (I’m gonna guess that they could have driven from Houston to Atlanta if they had got the shipping location right the first time). Oh well. Happy Holidays, Smith Family! I’m sorry that your son only received an excuse and an apology on December 25th. I might have been on time and in pristine condition if someone could be held accountable with GPS. But now, no one knows who made the mistake and even if they did, nothing could be proven. And they know that.

It’s really simple folks. Take the “trust” factor out of package delivery and include your personal GPS tracking device next time you ship something. If this seems unreasonable, at least make sure you are shipping with a company that employs GPS in their deliveries beforehand. It could make all the difference.